FodderBlog!

BLOG MOVED! BLOG MOVED!

2006-10-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

hello, faithful reader(s)!

this BLOG has MOVED!

it is now OFFICIALLY at WWW.PETEHOLMES.COM

that's it! just go to the main page and a quote from my latest blog entry is -boom- right there for the clicking!

Also, check out new videos, cartoons, pictures, audio... man oh man! It's SWEET!

don't wait! go there now!

hobo-pete

2006-09-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

what do you call a homeless robot? a hobot. nice. good start.

this past friday, i had a show in Lake County, IL. I was supposed to fly out of Newark at 2:40pm, so I got there (SIXTY bucks in a cab. A new reason to say "F Newark!") at 1:00pm. Flight cancelled, tornado. Get on another flight, a little late to make my show (I was going to have to rent a car and drive 45 minutes once I reached O'Hare), but it's all I can do. It's delayed. And delayed. And delayed. I don't get on the plane till 10:00pm. Nice. We sit on the runway for an hour. Nice. We land around 1:00am. It's safe to say, I missed my show.

I ate a Chili's twice. That was arguably the worst part, because, for some reason, my attitude never went to "the dark place." It was all funny to me somehow. The actual flight was rough, though, as I was starting to lose it.

At the airport, there was so much traffic, it would take an hour to get anywhere, including my friend's house, who said he'd put me up in Chicago. so, once we landed at o'hare, i went to the Hilton. full, of course. now what? well, like they say, go strong or go hobo. I went hobo. I'm not even sure what 'go strong' would mean in this scenario.

I had a 7:15am flight to Seattle the next morning, and I really didn't want to miss TWO shows, so I decided to just sleep at the airport, which I've heard people do all the time. I found a little nook, put on the iPods (Foina Apple. She puts me right out) and slept on the floor (no benches). When I woke up about three hours later, I was surrounded by other people doing the same thing. Young, old, kids, parents, teens, pre-teens... it was a very human moment. Some were fancy business men, sleeping on expensive bags, some were college students, it didn't matter. Tornados, cancelled flights, no room at the inn... it's the great equallizer. We're all human, we all have to sleep on the floor sometimes.

It was actually a good experience. Sure, it was bad, but the next night I was so grateful for my bed I couldn't tell you. I was also running on such little sleep (and bad sleep at that, for several nights beforehand, too) that when I met up with the BWE Live cast in Seattle, I was loopy McLoopster. All I remember laughing at (till I cried) was Michael Colton got three types of salmon (like a sampler) at dinner. One was King Salmon, the others were Wild or something. He said after he tried them all he liked the two wilds, but this one (pointing to the third) "not so much."

I blurted out, "That's the king, you fool!" and laughed until I cried. Looking back, that's pretty funny still, but at the time, it was the Lord of Funny. It killed me. If you don't find it funny, I suggest you don't get any real sleep for a few nights, spend two days in an airport with no one to talk to, and then re-read this blog.

That's the king, you fool!

broin out

2006-09-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

Monday was Broin’ Out at UCB, a superfun time with superfunny fellows, including two of my favorites Leo Allen and Andres DuBuchet. Also on the bill was Chris Parnell, as in, “Call up Parnell just to see how he’s doin’”, of SNL fame. He has to be the nicest man on the planet this side of John Denver.

The show was a talk-show format, so I didn’t tell jokes, I just tried to weave them into conversation, which isn’t very easy, so I stopped trying about a minute in. I kept getting setups to jokes in, but then no funny part. Like, “I’m from Boston, which people tell me is a racist place.” Then, we’d all talk about racism and my joke would just be left there. All I said was I’m from Boston, which is a racist place, and I didn’t really get to say anything funny or clarify that I’m not a racist.

The punchline to that joke, btw, is that no one in Boston calls it racism. They call it “old school.” You can say the worst thing ever, “Chinese people, wing-wang-wong,” someone will always clarify, “He’s not racist; he’s old school.” I’m not sure where that school is, but I’m pretty sure it’s segregated. Zing!

Also, please don’t think I think Boston is racist across-the-board. In fact, it’s no more or less racist than other places I’ve lived. We just have some history there, I think is the thing. Like the Red Sox were the longest all-white team in baseball, someone told me, which is why they kept losing. Zing!

Anyway, the funniest part of the night hands-down was when the band came out to play and close the show. They all sit on stage with us still there, so all these comedians have to put on their “serious” faces and listen to serious music. I’m pleased with my choice, pictured below, with Andres. What other face do you make while people are watching you listen?

he's on the plane!

2006-09-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

so, my tour manager looks enough like the shoe bomber, shown here, to freak people out.

a tour manager, by the way, is a guy who basically takes care of you whilst you're on the road with a group (in this case, Best Week Ever Live). he drives you, keeps track of your plane tickets, gets you to the show on time, etc.

well, he also flies with you. on airplanes.

let me start off by saying that Grummy (that's what we call him) is the sweetest guy in the world. he's a gentleman and a gentle man. a total sweetheart. i know this, but people on our plane don't.

nick kroll and i are getting on our flight to chicago. as we pass a woman with her family, she's frantically going, "he's on the plane, he's on the plane, he's on the plane...!" over and over. both nick and i, hilariously, just assumed she was a fan of the show. not the case. she doesn't watch talking head basic-cable at 11pm on fridays. she's more into the news, i think. probably FOX news. she thinks Grummy is a terrorist, thanks to his huge beard, mostly.

how do i know? she saw me say hello to Grum-style as he passed. she then came up to me (yes) and asked me if i knew him. "I saw him go though security and I told my husband I would get off the plane if he was on our flight!" She was about to get off! She was getting off! Grummy! Off!

I told her, yes, he kind of has a shoe-bomber beard. Sure. But then I reassured her that it would be fine. She went on and on about how scared she was. She was freaking out a little bit. "He had a water going through security!" she said. Water is not allowed these days, btw. It stupid, and I've accidentally brought many waters through security, but this doesn't matter, because I don't have a huge beard.

i wish i had a picture of Grumsfeld to show you, but i don't. sorry. The story also ends anti-climatcially. The lady went back to her seat, and we arrived safely. Grummy's water wasn't a bomb, but it was "the bomb," as he was quite thirsty. man, that's a cheesy joke! i love it.

i should've paid him five bucks to go up to that lady and ask her to hold his beverage. "Will you hold my Allah...AQUAfina? Thanks so much."

new videos!

2006-09-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

hey all,

while my new site should be launching this weekend-ish, check out some new videos on my myspace!

www.myspace.com/peteholmes

they're also on YouTube. hope you enjoy!

great ghost story

2006-09-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

this comes via hilarity-ridden comedian john mulaney, who's friend's friend's mom is the mom in the story (they all start that way. with a friend-friend-friend connection (not with comedian john mulaney)). oh, and this isn't funny, it's freaky, so, you know, if you came here to chuckle, maybe skip this one.

so this mom and her two-year-old son go to check out the house they rented for the summer (not for just them, their whole family. that would be weird if it was just them. wait, now i'm trying to be funny. back to scary...). she picks up the keys and goes to the house, which, you guessed it, is rumored to be haunted.

it's the middle of the day, she parks in the driveway and goes to the house. she unlocks it, looks around, and steps back outside when she hears, as if someone is right behind her, "GO AWAY."

freaked out of her bananas, she looks around and, you guessed it, no one is there.

she locks the door and rushes back to the car, flustered, as you might imagine. she gets in the car when her two year old son, in the passenger seat, goes, "What did that man want?"

WOWZERS! that's a good one. real set-up punchline. tell it to people and watch them freak out. really give a nice "Dr. Claw" voice when you deliver the "GO AWAY." if they REALLY freak out, lighten the mood with a nice "I'll get you next time, Gadget... Next time."

note: Penny's "Computer-Book" was basically just a laptop with wireless internet. At the time, though, it seemed so magical.

fine dining

2006-09-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

my latest entry is on http://www.collegehumor.com/articles/1705120/

check it out!

hooters

2006-09-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

where do you go when you're on the road with some friends and you want to get a drink? why, hooters, of course!

hooters is a funny place. it's name says "we're trashy," the uniforms say, "seriously," but the menu says "try the seafood." seriously, there's like, king crab legs and oysters. who do you trust?

the ladys also have to wear panty hose. "panty hose" sounds dirty and a lot more interesting than actual panty hose. it's also the answer to "what saved you from that crotch-fire?" it just makes me think there were like three ditry men and one old lady at the uniform meeting. men: "tight t-shirts! little orange hot pants!" old lady: "panty hose! now that'll get you, as the kids say, in the mood!" (sound of old lady dying). men: "well, it was her dying wish."

jessica st. clair and mike britt where on th' road with me, here's them being all fun and whathaveyou:

that was in VA. we were also MO, somewhat near east St. Louis, where i bought a gun that's also heroin. well, not really that close, i just like that joke. i got to stay with Urn and Kia and their awesome dogs who were contantly moistening my pants with dog snot and dog licks. it was really great to see them (urn and kia). the dogs, i could do without. here's urn putting glasses on his dog:

peace out!

cosmogirl

2006-08-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

so, the new yorker still hasn't bought a cartoon. same story: they like the jokes, not the drawings. oh, well.

who needs 'em? CosmoGirl and I have been in touch, and they're possibly going to print a few Christmas cartoons this season. But why wait? Here's a preview of one they're considering. Remember, I'm trying to appeal to the pre-teens here. Enjoy!

(update: someone pointed out that this joke may be taken as dirty. i didn't mean anything like that!)

first win - end of PA - new shirt - marky mark

2006-08-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

so, i had my first poker win last night. i play with the fellas over at collegehumor.com and usually lose all i play. well, over time. i usually win a little bit, then lose it all. i figure, it's a lot of fun, it's only ten bucks -- so it's like going to a movie. but it's a movie of me, losing at poker. but you can talk through the movie. so it comes out even.

i also just had a show this past saturday in Edinboro, PA, at Edinboro University. It was good, despite some weird conditions: it was in the gym, it was following a candle-lighting "welcome to our school" and "have a free t-shirt" ceremony, and there were only about twenty or so people there at first. the crowd ended up being really great and gave a lot of energy despite the vast gymyness of the gym. "OOohh. A gYm." - homer

also, a new shirt of me and Amir's(www.beingfamous.com) design: Pierce and Pierce, Murders and Excecutions (www.bustedtees.com). it's a reference to one of my favorite movies, american psycho. sure, it's dark, and i'm a pretty sunny guy, but man is it funny. Amir and I are excited about it, and it's doing well so far. I occasionally box with Amir down at the Harvard club. Just say no. And high heels. I like high heels. I simply... am not... there.

Ok, enough of that.

One last thing. Can Marky Mark's agent get him something that ISN'T a regular guy getting a superstar job? How many of these true stories can there be? First Rockstar, now Invincible? Pretty soon, just to make work for himself, he's going to pay off the right people to let a regular dude win a boxing match with a gorilla just so he can reenact it. Marky Mark is... GorillaMan.

lemonade

2006-08-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

back in my day a lemonade stand wasn't about the f'ing lemonade.

buying lemonade from two sweethead kids is supposed to be a reminder of the joys of youth. it's supposed to be sunshine on your soul. i don't want any country time lemonade mix stirred around in tap water in a really plastic-y tasting pitcher! i want some Michelle Tanner "you got it, dude" nostalgia-inducing Full House fun!

so some kids are selling lemonade for 50 cents. they're about 5, i'm guessing. i go up, wondering (as i only have a one dollar bill) if i should tip them the extra fifty cents and be nice. of course, is my first thought. but then, no -- i'm thinking these kids are with their dad who's probably trying to teach them how to use money -- he's not out there with his kids to turn a profit, he's out there to teach priceless lifelessons.

so i go up and ask for one glass. the kids don't acknowldge me at all, just crudely (not cutely, mind you) pour it and leave it there for me to pick up. they didn't even scoot it towards me, it just sat there as if to say, "here's you're lemonade, clownface. come and get it." the dad is talking to his stupid neighbor so he doesn't propt them on any "thank yous" or whathaveyous. he's just "blah blah" and the kids don't seem the least bit excited to make a sale. that's when i see their mountains of money -- other suckers, like me, who thought it might be fun to make some kids happy and drink their shitty lemonade. there's the proof - piles of money. bills, quarters, even a few FIVES.

so now, the moment i thought about. do i give these kids the fifty cents as a tip? as i stood there thinking about it, i realized: these kids aren't getting my change. no change. no thank you, no change, just a paper cup barely filled with crappy crap lemonade and two kids that have more cash than me who can't be bothered to say "you got it, dude" nevermind, "hey, thanks for helping us learn valuable lifelessons!" i would've given it to them, i decided, but i didn't even have the chance. it's supposed to go like this: "hewe's your change, mistuh." "thank you. and here's a tip -- a quarter for each of you!" "yaaay! now we can get pennywhistles and moonpies!" then the dad: "what do you say, kids?" "thank you, misuh! thank you! you're a good person and you're forever a part of this, our most cherished childhood memory!"

but no. after about three seconds i realized no change was coming, and i couldn't bring myself to ask for it. i just threw my lemonade out and kicked a can down by the railroad tracks with a hobo-kerchif on my shoulder.

kids today.

houdini

2006-08-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

i'd like to travel back in time to see houdini.

get tickets, talk to him before the show.

i think it would be frustrating for houdini, tho, as i can't remember how he died.

he'd be all, "is this the trick i... don't make it?"

sorry, 'dini. i can't be bothered to remember a blurb i read in some magazine about your death. but good luck!

trouble ahead

2006-08-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

anyone else addicted to internet poker? it's poker, you see, but on the internet.

i put in $40, went up to $56, down to $23, now i'm back up to $47.

let's eat oreos and talk russian online: pokerroom, my id: pohodojo. join me on a slippery slope. soap is spelled "soap." but sloap? nope.

missing pete

2006-08-12T10:48:00.000-07:00

where have i been? sorry, all two of you, i've been working hard on my new website, which should be up very soon, which will replace this blog (but until i say it has, it hasn't, nah mean?). new cartoons, new videos, new audio, new animations!

in the meantime, enjoy this picture of some football or hockey player that looks a lot like me. i love sportsing!

good ol' racist fun

2006-07-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

coming home from philly the other night from a show (cancelled) my friends and i found this racist arm wrestling video game. it's really great. check out this sumo! sure, that's not too too bad, but check out...

the chinaman! and...

i'll let you write your own caption for this one.

and in case you can't tell, you actually arm wrestle these comic stereotypes. it's really a test of your (white) power.

and this is "Arm Champs II" -- there was an earlier version! part one was really politically incorrect! what a gem! someone must have it next to their creepy Nazi Plate display case. should i capitalize "plate" like that? "Ok, this one's for one of the plates!"

europetoon

2006-06-29T10:18:00.001-07:00

birdtoon

2006-06-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

also, paul simon's new album "surprise" is very good. if you liked "you're the one," you'll really like this one.

also, i told my jew-friends story on stage - it worked okay. i think in writing is probably the best. thanks for the support!

iMiracle

2006-06-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

my iPod died after five years of hardcore, dedicated service. i actually didn't even pay for it! i won it, years ago, in new orleans after a show. how about that?

so i go to the Apple store genius bar (make an appointment, btw. i went twice, the first time turned away like Mary and Joseph for not RSVPing on the internet) and tried to get a free one. people say if you say the battery broke, they'll just give you a new one. not this guy. he was like, "open it and try and reconnect the hard drive." yeah, sure. but, with nothing to lose and the assumption that i'd have to buy a new one either way (goodbye $500), i cracked it open, played around and... well, then it was REALLY dead. so i just left it on my desk.

today, i plugged it in just to put it in it's case and out of the way and... beep beep beep... it came back to life, like the son of said Mary and Joseph. this post has taken a blasphemous turn. either way, what are the f'ing chances it would just come back AND with all my music still on it? i mean, i cracked it open and got my greasy paws all over the hardware! then... POW! three days later, it rises. it was like iEaster.

here's a cartoon the new yorker didn't like. i considered two watermelons, one to the other: "You knew I was seedless when you married me!" but that seemed a little TOO out there. so, i've yet to sell one. oh well, the fight continues! enjoy!

congratz, urn

2006-06-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

my bestest pal urn "churncez" bahner got married this weekend to the wonderful kia "kia" kia. i was the best man. i acted a fool. when i'm with urn, it's always good times. i made one of the worst accidental jokes ever, which i'll share here. we were playing paintball, jews versus gentiles (the jews' idea). we, the gentiles, wore green arm bands, which i found annoying, so after one game, i said "okay, this game, the jews wear the arm bands." OH MAN. you ever feel words coming out of your mouth, but you can't stop them? i didn't mean it that way, or to reference that, or anything of the sort. but too late. out there. terrible. but we all laughed and laughed, knowing it was an innocent mistake. OH MAN. open mouth insert arm band.

2006-06-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

santa date toon

2006-06-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

pinata animation!

2006-06-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

many thanks to m'boys at www.CollegeHumor.com for putting up the hilariously animated Pinata cartoon today.

http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1695301/

the animator, eric, is f'ing insane. check it!

hookertoon

2006-06-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

sorry for the lack o' posting, sons!

some good news, i auditioned for a comedy central motherload (their online station) and got two big parts in two of the sketches! i NEVER audition well (see below) but this one was pretty much right up my alley. very excited and as soon as it's done, i'll get it on m'site!

also, after a couple weeks away, i'll be back on Best Week Ever this coming friday!

coooooOOOOOOOooool!

ninja toon

2006-06-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

i knew the NYer wouldn't bite on this one, but there's something about having a pet ninja that's always killing people so you have to get him a bell-collar that makes me laugh.

a friend asked my thoughts on Last Comic Standing - I thought about auditioning this yeat, but only briefly. Doug Benson, who's on it right now, told me to go out for it as there's nothing to lose. In the end, I decided not to because the whole thing makes me feel gross. I can't really explain, but even watching it makes me queasy. I hope the best for Doug, John Roy, and Joey Gay -- all great guys who deserve it big time.

angeltoon

2006-06-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

my first angel cartoon. i've had quite a few God ones, but this is my first angel-conversation, which is a staple of New Yorker cartoons, it seems.

had an audition today, which went well. that's unusual, actually. auditions for commercials or tv or whatever are usually quite awkward and it's really hard to be natural and even harder to be funny. like, the last time i went out for a commercial, they tell you to "slate your name," which means say your name for the camera. what they don't always tell you is if the camera is rolling yet. no better way to start than by blurting out "pete holmes!" before they're even ready. it's like weird narcissistic-tourettes. "PETE HOLMES!" "Sorry, we're not rolling yet." "... PETE!" "Wait..." "...HOLMES!" "Not yet..."

i think my PS2 died tonight. i've taken it apart several times and fixed it (there are some good online instructions for this and after one try, it's pretty easy to do from time to time -- opening it up and whatnot) but this time, i think, in the words of Aragorn son of Arathorn, "this is beyond my skill to heal." Wow, that's so dorky it makes me feel ill. I love it! Feel weird! Embrace it! So, tomorrow, a new one and i'll keep up the new hitman game (pretty sweet so far)... (what? a dork who likes Lord of the Rings AND video games? UNHEARD OF!)

therapy cartoon

2006-05-26T17:30:00.000-07:00

special guest blogger: the LOST smoke monster!

2006-05-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

hi everyone, it's me, the LOST smoke monster. remember me? i killed that pilot. sometimes, i stomp my big old feet and scare people with my whistle sound. or is that a trick? i'm not telling. i did kill that pilot, though.

other memorable things i've done... oh, once, i pulled Locke down a hole. then they hit me with dynamite. silly LOST people! i'm smoke! you can't blow up smoke! i didn't appreicate it, nonetheless. that dynamite said "hey smoke-monster, go f yourself!" nay, LOST castaways! go f YOURselves.

oh, and one time i got real close to Locke, and then later, Eko. I showed them slides from their life, because I'm magical. i crackled and helped them remember things from their past, like that gameshow "This is Your Life," but instead of a human host, a magical smoke monster host. oh, and no witty banter; just smoke.

but lately, things have been different.

i used to be somebody in this magical island. people used to be afraid of me. they would run. they would say, "it's not safe in the jungle, what with that smoke-monster and all." then they'd eat mangos. that made me feel good. now, people go for strolls and don't really talk too much about me anymore.

what happened to me? what do i have to do, kill another pilot? oh well. at least the Others brought Hurley to their hideout just to tell him to go back. just walk through the jungle, they said, back to your camp. don't worry about me, the mother-f-ing SMOKE MONSTER. GOSH! I could kill him!! and first, a slide-show! everyone hates slide-shows! then... death! yeah! because i'm a magical, photo-stills-from-your-past-showing, pilot-killing, corpse-tree-leaving then six-month-break-taking SMOKE MONSTER!!!

-sigh-

God drinking a margarita

2006-05-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

avacado redraw

2006-05-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

this is a redraw, but i like it

onion

2006-05-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

last words

2006-05-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

blogtoon

2006-05-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

not you -- you keep reading my blog. the lady. the lady wants her ladyfriend to stop reading her ladyblog. because, you know, sometimes you blog about something and then your friends read it and then when you talk in person you have nothing to talk about because, you know, they already read it. and sometimes you make the same jokes you made in your blog, but try and rehash them as new, and they catch you, then you turn red.

p.s. sopranos is sucking lately. sucking.

dogtoon

2006-05-12T07:45:00.000-07:00

hot sauce

2006-05-11T11:39:00.000-07:00

msn.com

2006-05-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

my LOST rant got on msn.com:

http://entertainment.msn.com/tv/tvbuzz?GT1=7703

i never thought any of that would ever see the light of day -- i was just very passionate about LOST that week and felt like talking about it. fun fact, i actually went on for 27 minutes. i have strong feelings about television. (thanks, jason, for emailing me about this!)

wine toon

2006-05-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

you know what's a good wine? CheapSkate cab franc. it's like 8 bucks and it tastes like slendor.

cowtoon

2006-05-09T14:54:00.000-07:00

postal workers

2006-05-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

when the NYer editor read this one, he laughed, which was weird, because he never laughs at the cartoons themselves. a laugh means something other than "this is funny." he liked the cartoon, sure, but he liked his own addition to the caption, being, "... or maybe I'm a chicken." he laughed pretty hard at this, and i did too, although i didn't quite get it at first. my people, here with postal-worker hats, do look a bit like chickens. at first, i just laughed at the line because it's absurd, like he's out of his mind and thinks he may be a chicken. nope. just an unclear drawing, i suppose.

ba-gawk!

affair

2006-05-06T11:13:00.000-07:00

i've gotten a few comments that people like my drawings BEFORE i started doing this blob-person cookie-cutter-people thing. and i don't disagree, necessarily. but the NYer liked it, didn't love it, but liked it okay, and didn't like the styles that my friends DID like, so the fact that my friends don't like this as much must be a good sign, magazine-wise.

also, i just figured out how to subscribe to video Podcasts on iTunes. Besides watching the BWE outakes (which I though were funny), comedy-superhero Ricky Gervais has a mighty funny Podcast, too. looking forward to finding more... who knew, Podcasts don't need to be watched on iPods nor do they need to be cast anywhere; just watch 'em on your computer. The future is NOW!

alien

2006-05-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

train tie cartoon

2006-05-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

long lost LOST rant

2006-05-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

just found this -- a while back i was very angry at LOST for sucking so much. it's one of my favorite shows, but it wasn't giving us ANYTHING new and... well, i was mad. all relationships have their ups and downs, right?

so, while LOST is on ANOTHER hiatus, maybe remembering the not-so-good-old days will bring a smile to your face. i can't wait for it to be back, but i really hope it's good to us this time around...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeUIfSPF6lY&search=Pete%20Holmes

highway cartoon

2006-05-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

new pete-tees

2006-05-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

this month www.bustedtees.com premiered three new shirts i designed -- check 'em -- to add alongside my first, shown above, SILF (which I explained to my mom meant "sandwich I'd like to fornicate." Good cover.).

Streeter, a writer at www.collegehumor.com, and I came up with HUMA_ together, so definately some props to him and StreetPete productions as a whole. here's hoping this month we can crank out some other great shirts to add to what I consider the best site for funny shirts out there...

(bias noted. but, then again, before i ever started hanging with these guys i bought three of their shirts just cuz i thought they was phun-e -- "BIG MISTAKE," "PROSE BEFORE HOS," and "MY OTHER SHIRT HAS IT'S COLLAR UP." so there)

cat pitch meeting

2006-05-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

well, a breakthrough of sorts today at the NYer -- this drawing style was deemed a move in "the right direction." so, stay tuned as i play around with it and see what we can do here...

kids cartoon

2006-04-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

prison 2

2006-04-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

okay, i'm repeating myself, i know.

place your bets if this style will fly with the magazine.

new look 2

2006-04-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

same caption as below: "I don't have a great palate, but I love to get drunk." I like it, looks good to me.

wine cartoon

2006-04-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

what you think?

2006-04-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

so, this is a redraw of the mafia cartoon, two cartoons below this one.

i like it, better even, than the sloppy one, but i'm open to suggestions! it seems pretty distinct, while also pretty New-Yorkery, plus it's something I can draw fairly easily... hmmmmmm

solitary

2006-04-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

mafia cartoon

2006-04-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

this week at the New Yorker was strangely good. Stragely, I say, because the editor said my drawings were "terrible," but good because he said my ideas are "too good to waste," which I take to mean, "if these looked better, we'd buy them." So, that's a basic "if-then" situation: if I can get them to look better, then they'll buy them. That's very exciting to me! Just the fact that they look at them, that they know who I am and have ANY opinion of my work is a thrill. And so, keep an eye out for some new styles. This one is from the "terrible" batch of "great" ideas. Seriously, compared to the rejection I face doing standup for years (heckling, etc.), sitting in an air conditioned office and having no audience to watch your cartoons be criticised is much nicer.

hobolife

2006-04-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

bad cop

2006-04-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

waiter cartoon

2006-04-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

so i just caved and got a PSP. i was borrowing fellow-BWE funnyman Mike Britt's PSP on the road and decided with all the time I have to kill in airports it was a good thing to have. in fact, i decided to get one after we were waiting two hours for a plane and i was so into the portable GTA game that i was actually HOPING the plane would be delyed so i could blow some more stuff up.

once this tour is over, i have a lot of exciting things to get to work on, the most exciting of which is an internet tv pilot my buddy Kevin Mahr and I are working on... keep yer eyes out!

arrows cartoon

2006-04-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

babies cartoon

2006-04-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

i swam in walden pond yesterday. yup. it was cold, sons.

when i got in the water, it was really bad. after about ten minutes in, tho, i adjusted and enjoyed my swim.

it may have been the hypothermia, but afterwards i was thinking of how that paralleled my career in a way. starting comedy was very, very hard. it's still hard, but it's a lot easier than it was when i started, kind of like getting in the water. now, part of what drives me is a feeling that i owe it to my old self, the old self who paid dues handing out flyers for shows, doing shitty spots at 2 in the morning, and/or driving hours to some suburb truck bar and eating my nuts -- i figure i'm already in the water, i owe it to myself to stay in. that, and once you're in, it's really a lot of fun.

and that's one to grow on.

bugs cartoon

2006-04-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

just home from the road. shout out to Kate "Kabbage" Bonner "Jackson" for coming out to my show at Temple U -- good times, some guy with terrets, get her with the net.

psychic cartoon

2006-04-16T20:01:00.000-07:00

soda cartoon

2006-04-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

u delaware - "what?!"

2006-04-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

so, the ol' booking agent called with a last-minute replacement gig at the University of Delaware on monday night for a tuesday night show -- i was free, so i took the date. out of curiosity, i asked who i would be replacing. turned out to be my buddy aziz ansari. this is fine, i think, as i'm sure they'll let people know i'm coming and he's not.

well, they did, but only as they were introducing me to the 150+ crowd. "ladies and gentlemen, i'm sorry to announce that aziz ansari had to cancel..." i'm not kidding, i'm standing in the wings waiting to go on and i hear several people gasp and yell "What?!" Great start. "We were, however, able to get this guy..." Perfect! I knew they were going to announce Aziz not being there, but i didn't know this was the first anyone at the show had heard of it!

tough start.

well... it gave me about ten minutes of new material. i dove right into the awkwardness. i had to really sell it. i opened with "to make up for the cancellation, i'll do some of aziz's material..." and then talked about what it's like to be indian (which Aziz, as a point of interest, never talks about). when they laughed at that, i knew this may not be so hard after all...

it may be a better story if i ate my nuts, but they were a great crowd and it was a supercool show. afterwards, people who came to see the 'ziz said they enjoyed my stuff, too. nice feeling. worst way to start a show ever, and who knew, it turned out great! aziz has some good, open-minded fans!

on the way home i got lost. that sucked. i'm going to buy a GPS. for reals.

lava cartoon

2006-04-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

back from tour

2006-04-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

what up, sons? just back from north carolina, albany (scinacticutt... how the f do you spell that?) and camden, NJ, where every single cab I took had a "broken meter" and tried to juice me for muchos dolores. it was voted the worst place to live in america, camden, but the school, rutgers, was fun. north carolina was so warm -- sitting outside, sipping adult beverages... quite nice. good shows, good times with the cast... more later...!

2006-04-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

i love cartoons that know they're cartoons. any sort of rule-bending and reality distorting is okay by me. one of my favorite simpsons gags was when Nelson corrected Principal Skinner (speaking to the class over the loudspeaker). Nelson yelled at the one-way speaker and Skinner replied, "Funny, I should'nt have been able to hear that." Classic.

That's up there with "Chicken necks?"

staplers

2006-04-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

is it too soon for me to be finding inspiration from things on my desk?

third week at the NYer, shrimp cartoon

2006-04-04T16:30:00.000-07:00

the thrill of going in and pitching cartoons remains, as it should, for my third official week going into the New Yorker. i'm happy to say they like the ideas but think the drawings need work. that's fine with me! i'm happy to work some kinks out and define my style more. it's a privledge to hear it from them and get some drawing tips straight from the people i'm trying to impress rather than take some class or something.

i'm also getting an idea for ones i know they won't necessarily like, although i'm not always right... this one, i had a feeling asking people to be okay with a shrimp in a dress may be too much. but for me, it does it. as do the others i'll post.

exciting times!

Avocado Cartoon

2006-03-28T20:46:00.000-08:00

I've just started using grey markers, or, "gray" markers. either way. i like them, and i like this cartoon, so I may do a new version and put it on a t-shirt.

Speaking of t-shirts, I sold three this month to www.bustedtees.com and when they're posted, I'll let you know! For now, enjoy Urn's "Life Begins at 40."

clown cartoon

2006-03-23T22:07:00.000-08:00

heaven marshmellow cartoon

2006-03-23T21:57:00.000-08:00

first new yorker meeting!

2006-03-22T09:10:00.000-08:00

A milestone of a day yesterday -- my first in-person cartoon submission to the New Yorker! I'll be returning each week to submit 10-15 new ideas which, regardless of if they buy one, is a dream come true. This also means this blog will be littered with new cartoons on a regular basis. Exciting!

Some of my favorites will be availble on t-shirts, posters, magnets, etc., at www.cafepress.com/peteholmes . Be the first one on your block/only person on the planet to buy one!

in the meantime, enjoy the goodness!

caption contest 2

2006-03-19T19:45:00.000-08:00

well, i enjoyed reading the responses to the first one (see below), and this drawing could have a million captions, so I thought I'd see what y'all come up with this time 'round. don't be shy! it's fun to see where your minds go...

oh, and i won't use your captions for my own personal gain. i already have one; this is just for phun.

I do realize that this isn't really a contest as there are no winners/prizes/losers/consolation prizes, but what the f.

2006-03-18T16:20:00.000-08:00

So, there's been some (1) complaints that I don't write things on here much (0) these past few weeks (3), so here's an update.

I think cheese should be eaten almost exclusively by itself. More thoughts as they come.

2006-03-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

i must be on a bear kick

2006-03-10T08:12:00.000-08:00

2006-03-07T11:28:00.000-08:00

caption contest

2006-03-04T20:56:00.000-08:00

I have a caption for this one, but I thought it'd be more fun for you to guess one of your own. Leave one if y'want!

small difference

2006-03-03T11:03:00.000-08:00

"let's hope this works."

new moutain/volcano in the background! what fun. what a glimpse into the PROCESS!

2006-02-27T10:38:00.000-08:00

my friend (urn) sent me a link to a stupid word jumble "make words with the letters" game.

that's what i got.

me no good.

2006-02-26T17:23:00.000-08:00

"i've decided to major in probing."

sorry i've been away for a while -- back home in MA. i'll be posting some more cartoons next couple days.

PEACE OUT

2006-02-19T15:24:00.000-08:00

"Great. I just forgot what I came in here for."

2006-02-19T15:01:00.000-08:00

"yes, my son. it IS a sin to Google yourself."

cheney shoots hunting buddy

2006-02-17T12:33:00.000-08:00

so, some say cheney was drunk, which means his friend wasn't the only thing that went down easy.

OFF color!

2006-02-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

"when are you going to grow up and stop listening to me?"

new layout

2006-02-16T14:36:00.000-08:00

i stole this layout from my friend Claudia Castillo, whose hilarious/informative blog can be found here:

http://texaninthecity.blogspot.com

it's pretty slick looking, eh? i am no longer blog-layout brothers with urn, lest he change too. once you go this template color, you never go back.

2006-02-15T14:09:00.000-08:00

same "he wants what you're having," different drawing.

again, not sure if this is interesting to anyone, it's just what i'm up to.

2006-02-14T20:13:00.000-08:00

does it ever stop?

2006-02-14T14:31:00.000-08:00

here's another cartoon. the caption is by urn: "you're smothering me!"

i bought new markers at Pearl Paints on broadway, near the College Humor office where I pitched the week's t-shirt ideas. My friend Streeter made me a Lost t-shirt with Claire saying "My BABY!!" with the words "My Hero" underneath. I hate Claire. i love the shirt.

I feel pretty close to finding a style of drawing that matches what i'm picturing in my head.

oh, and here's a picture of me wearing my own homemade "Locke" t-shirt. if you want one, let me know.

cartoon

2006-02-13T19:26:00.000-08:00

there's a finished one. hopefully, when i start really cranking these out, i can just put them all on here/my website. then, the three people who read this will be mauled over. that's right; mauled.

pandora

2006-02-13T11:29:00.000-08:00

www.pandora.com

okay, so i had read about pandora and how it picks music you might liked based on music you like, but what i didn't know is that it's FREE.

holy shiz!

and it's not ad-heavy or anything. restaurants could just feed this site through their stereo, i listen to it all day. i keep waiting for some "pay us!" thing to pop up, but it's too good to be true, even tho it's true, goodness be damned.

check it.

oh, and i got this idea from urn.

2006-02-13T10:20:00.000-08:00

more drawing. these guy's bodies are paper and i used a bigger marker. FACINATING!

still, i think it looks in the right direction, albeit different from the other style and closer to where i started from.

all-be-it.

more cartoons

2006-02-12T21:41:00.000-08:00

here's another similar style i'm trying to flesh out.

i should have some different styles soon. maybe it's fun for you; it is for me, yo.

a poem

2006-02-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

there's something peaceful about the snow
a poem by pete holmes

there's something peaceful about the snow,
when reading this aloud,
you should read the first line in such a way that indicates you're reading the first line of the poem,
and not just repeating the title

cartooning input

2006-02-10T21:43:00.000-08:00

i've done cartooning as long as i can remember. lately, i've been very, very excited about getting some together to show around. my typical style of cartooning was, until lately, the same as it was when i was eight -- kind of simpson-y eyes, round charlie-brown faces... your basic "how to draw cartoons!" cartooning. too boring.

so, i'm in the middle of a very tough process of developing a new style. these are for simple, single-panel cartoons. i want to be distinct, i want to convey situations clearly and simply...

this is one idea for a new look. i thought it might be interesting to share the process.

nostradaumus

2006-02-09T08:53:00.000-08:00

it must've been annoying to be this guy's friend. he made all these predicitons, but so many of them were for hundreds of years in the futue. looking into some sort of steaming bowl of glass-water, "in three hundred years, a great evil will rise from the north..."

yeah, nosti? we'll all be dead. who cares?

it's like a guy who keeps talking about a cake you never get to eat, or something funnier.

"it has many layers, chocolate, and other dark flavors from the yeast."

whatever, nosti. in five minutes, i'll be finding a new friend.

check my "love is..." contribution on www.collegehumor.com for Valentine's day!

feeding pigeons

2006-02-02T11:33:00.001-08:00

this morning, i saw a woman feeding a piegon handfulls of popcorn, but the pigeon wasn't eating it.

so really, i guess, this morning i saw a woman littering.

new rejected t-shirt

2006-01-31T21:21:00.000-08:00

"feed me"

keep it real

2006-01-30T11:03:00.000-08:00

no one likes wax fruit, nah mean? keep that shiz real!

collegehumor

2006-01-28T14:37:00.000-08:00

hey friendlies,

my latest blog-like entry is at www.collegehumor.com

check it!

are they losing it?

2006-01-25T19:18:00.000-08:00

thoughts on tonight's lost: claire sucks.

here's every episode with claire:

CLAIRE: My BABY! ... CHAA-LEE, mY BABY!

i hope the others take her soon. and the baptism stuff -- what the f? Eko isn't even a priest!

CLAIRE: Me and MY BABY are going t'heaven because a drug smuggler who dressed up as a preist once spilled some water on me and MY BABY because the writers wanted to end on an "emiotional montage."

PLEASE, Lost, COME BACK!

and LOCKE, don't get wacko on me now. the others may have fixed your legs, but don't go evil on me now.

next weeks ep looks not-so-good, too. and Ana Lucia can't win me over with "you hittin' that" lingo. PASS.

savannah

2006-01-19T13:56:00.000-08:00

hey all!

so, i'm finally back online. sorry for the lack-o-updates, sons!

i'm now a legit pay-to-play internet user. i was in midtown and freaked out because i had to get to the BK in, like, twenty minutes or the cable guy would leave without installing m'shiz. luckily, he was late. nice. it takes about two weeks just to get an appointment for internetting. "I just logged on to my internet." - Karl Karlson

this mac kicks arse.

i can't bring myself to see king kong. people tell me the first hour is worthless, and then there's two hours of relentless monkey action. every time i try and see it, i wake up in a coma three weeks later. i just can't do it. i won't let myself. on another note, i'm seeing it this weekend.

savannah was a lot of fun last weekend. it was just as i pictured it. in fact, it was so much like i pictured it, i wasn't sure it was real. lots of sweet tea. we wanted a taste of southern cooking to we went to Outback. a lot of australians down south, apparently. the show was unreal: 1,100 students, sold out two days before the show. if anyone from the show reads this, i thank you. f'ing awesome.