BLOG MOVED! BLOG MOVED!

hello, faithful reader(s)!

this BLOG has MOVED!

it is now OFFICIALLY at WWW.PETEHOLMES.COM

that's it! just go to the main page and a quote from my latest blog entry is -boom- right there for the clicking!

Also, check out new videos, cartoons, pictures, audio... man oh man! It's SWEET!

don't wait! go there now!

hobo-pete

what do you call a homeless robot? a hobot. nice. good start.

this past friday, i had a show in Lake County, IL. I was supposed to fly out of Newark at 2:40pm, so I got there (SIXTY bucks in a cab. A new reason to say "F Newark!") at 1:00pm. Flight cancelled, tornado. Get on another flight, a little late to make my show (I was going to have to rent a car and drive 45 minutes once I reached O'Hare), but it's all I can do. It's delayed. And delayed. And delayed. I don't get on the plane till 10:00pm. Nice. We sit on the runway for an hour. Nice. We land around 1:00am. It's safe to say, I missed my show.

I ate a Chili's twice. That was arguably the worst part, because, for some reason, my attitude never went to "the dark place." It was all funny to me somehow. The actual flight was rough, though, as I was starting to lose it.

At the airport, there was so much traffic, it would take an hour to get anywhere, including my friend's house, who said he'd put me up in Chicago. so, once we landed at o'hare, i went to the Hilton. full, of course. now what? well, like they say, go strong or go hobo. I went hobo. I'm not even sure what 'go strong' would mean in this scenario.

I had a 7:15am flight to Seattle the next morning, and I really didn't want to miss TWO shows, so I decided to just sleep at the airport, which I've heard people do all the time. I found a little nook, put on the iPods (Foina Apple. She puts me right out) and slept on the floor (no benches). When I woke up about three hours later, I was surrounded by other people doing the same thing. Young, old, kids, parents, teens, pre-teens... it was a very human moment. Some were fancy business men, sleeping on expensive bags, some were college students, it didn't matter. Tornados, cancelled flights, no room at the inn... it's the great equallizer. We're all human, we all have to sleep on the floor sometimes.

It was actually a good experience. Sure, it was bad, but the next night I was so grateful for my bed I couldn't tell you. I was also running on such little sleep (and bad sleep at that, for several nights beforehand, too) that when I met up with the BWE Live cast in Seattle, I was loopy McLoopster. All I remember laughing at (till I cried) was Michael Colton got three types of salmon (like a sampler) at dinner. One was King Salmon, the others were Wild or something. He said after he tried them all he liked the two wilds, but this one (pointing to the third) "not so much."

I blurted out, "That's the king, you fool!" and laughed until I cried. Looking back, that's pretty funny still, but at the time, it was the Lord of Funny. It killed me. If you don't find it funny, I suggest you don't get any real sleep for a few nights, spend two days in an airport with no one to talk to, and then re-read this blog.

That's the king, you fool!

broin out

Monday was Broin’ Out at UCB, a superfun time with superfunny fellows, including two of my favorites Leo Allen and Andres DuBuchet. Also on the bill was Chris Parnell, as in, “Call up Parnell just to see how he’s doin’”, of SNL fame. He has to be the nicest man on the planet this side of John Denver.

The show was a talk-show format, so I didn’t tell jokes, I just tried to weave them into conversation, which isn’t very easy, so I stopped trying about a minute in. I kept getting setups to jokes in, but then no funny part. Like, “I’m from Boston, which people tell me is a racist place.” Then, we’d all talk about racism and my joke would just be left there. All I said was I’m from Boston, which is a racist place, and I didn’t really get to say anything funny or clarify that I’m not a racist.

The punchline to that joke, btw, is that no one in Boston calls it racism. They call it “old school.” You can say the worst thing ever, “Chinese people, wing-wang-wong,” someone will always clarify, “He’s not racist; he’s old school.” I’m not sure where that school is, but I’m pretty sure it’s segregated. Zing!

Also, please don’t think I think Boston is racist across-the-board. In fact, it’s no more or less racist than other places I’ve lived. We just have some history there, I think is the thing. Like the Red Sox were the longest all-white team in baseball, someone told me, which is why they kept losing. Zing!

Anyway, the funniest part of the night hands-down was when the band came out to play and close the show. They all sit on stage with us still there, so all these comedians have to put on their “serious” faces and listen to serious music. I’m pleased with my choice, pictured below, with Andres. What other face do you make while people are watching you listen?

he's on the plane!

so, my tour manager looks enough like the shoe bomber, shown here, to freak people out.

a tour manager, by the way, is a guy who basically takes care of you whilst you're on the road with a group (in this case, Best Week Ever Live). he drives you, keeps track of your plane tickets, gets you to the show on time, etc.

well, he also flies with you. on airplanes.

let me start off by saying that Grummy (that's what we call him) is the sweetest guy in the world. he's a gentleman and a gentle man. a total sweetheart. i know this, but people on our plane don't.

nick kroll and i are getting on our flight to chicago. as we pass a woman with her family, she's frantically going, "he's on the plane, he's on the plane, he's on the plane...!" over and over. both nick and i, hilariously, just assumed she was a fan of the show. not the case. she doesn't watch talking head basic-cable at 11pm on fridays. she's more into the news, i think. probably FOX news. she thinks Grummy is a terrorist, thanks to his huge beard, mostly.

how do i know? she saw me say hello to Grum-style as he passed. she then came up to me (yes) and asked me if i knew him. "I saw him go though security and I told my husband I would get off the plane if he was on our flight!" She was about to get off! She was getting off! Grummy! Off!

I told her, yes, he kind of has a shoe-bomber beard. Sure. But then I reassured her that it would be fine. She went on and on about how scared she was. She was freaking out a little bit. "He had a water going through security!" she said. Water is not allowed these days, btw. It stupid, and I've accidentally brought many waters through security, but this doesn't matter, because I don't have a huge beard.

i wish i had a picture of Grumsfeld to show you, but i don't. sorry. The story also ends anti-climatcially. The lady went back to her seat, and we arrived safely. Grummy's water wasn't a bomb, but it was "the bomb," as he was quite thirsty. man, that's a cheesy joke! i love it.

i should've paid him five bucks to go up to that lady and ask her to hold his beverage. "Will you hold my Allah...AQUAfina? Thanks so much."

new videos!

hey all,

while my new site should be launching this weekend-ish, check out some new videos on my myspace!

www.myspace.com/peteholmes

they're also on YouTube. hope you enjoy!

great ghost story

this comes via hilarity-ridden comedian john mulaney, who's friend's friend's mom is the mom in the story (they all start that way. with a friend-friend-friend connection (not with comedian john mulaney)). oh, and this isn't funny, it's freaky, so, you know, if you came here to chuckle, maybe skip this one.

so this mom and her two-year-old son go to check out the house they rented for the summer (not for just them, their whole family. that would be weird if it was just them. wait, now i'm trying to be funny. back to scary...). she picks up the keys and goes to the house, which, you guessed it, is rumored to be haunted.

it's the middle of the day, she parks in the driveway and goes to the house. she unlocks it, looks around, and steps back outside when she hears, as if someone is right behind her, "GO AWAY."

freaked out of her bananas, she looks around and, you guessed it, no one is there.

she locks the door and rushes back to the car, flustered, as you might imagine. she gets in the car when her two year old son, in the passenger seat, goes, "What did that man want?"


WOWZERS! that's a good one. real set-up punchline. tell it to people and watch them freak out. really give a nice "Dr. Claw" voice when you deliver the "GO AWAY." if they REALLY freak out, lighten the mood with a nice "I'll get you next time, Gadget... Next time."

note: Penny's "Computer-Book" was basically just a laptop with wireless internet. At the time, though, it seemed so magical.

fine dining

my latest entry is on http://www.collegehumor.com/articles/1705120/

check it out!

hooters

where do you go when you're on the road with some friends and you want to get a drink? why, hooters, of course!

hooters is a funny place. it's name says "we're trashy," the uniforms say, "seriously," but the menu says "try the seafood." seriously, there's like, king crab legs and oysters. who do you trust?

the ladys also have to wear panty hose. "panty hose" sounds dirty and a lot more interesting than actual panty hose. it's also the answer to "what saved you from that crotch-fire?" it just makes me think there were like three ditry men and one old lady at the uniform meeting. men: "tight t-shirts! little orange hot pants!" old lady: "panty hose! now that'll get you, as the kids say, in the mood!" (sound of old lady dying). men: "well, it was her dying wish."

jessica st. clair and mike britt where on th' road with me, here's them being all fun and whathaveyou:



that was in VA. we were also MO, somewhat near east St. Louis, where i bought a gun that's also heroin. well, not really that close, i just like that joke. i got to stay with Urn and Kia and their awesome dogs who were contantly moistening my pants with dog snot and dog licks. it was really great to see them (urn and kia). the dogs, i could do without. here's urn putting glasses on his dog:




peace out!